I am probably the worst LiveJournaler ever. As a writer, I should be quite ashamed of how little I actually write.

Oh, well. 

If anything, I've realized that just because I'm good at something doesn't mean I should do it. I really feel like I am an extraordinary counselor, but the practice of counseling (particularly children who have been severely sexually abused) really takes so much out of me that I feel like it is consuming me. I feel like I have never really sat down and made a list of what I want from life. What I really, honestly, maturely want. Maybe I should do this.

I want to have time to spend with my present and future family. I want to be surrounded by books. I want peace and quiet -- I have so much going on in my "real life" outside of my career, that I want a source of solace. As much as it surprises me to say this, I want routine. I do not want to ever feel stifled, but I want to feel the comfort of knowing what I face. I want to be surrounded by intelligent individuals and I want to be a part of the practice of this intelligence. I want to teach at a collegiate level. I want to stop worrying about saving the world; the only one I really need to save is myself , and I have so much to do in order to be free. I want to know the joy in silence. I want an office with dark wood and a soft light, and bookshelves all around me. I want to not have a panic attack thinking about going to work. I want to be happy.

In all honesty, enduring an existential crisis every couple years is really draining me. And, I'm quite positive, everyone around me.


Where is my peace?

 On a sidenote, we need more protestors! 

www.chicagotribune.com/sports/football/bears/sns-ap-fbn-eagles-vick-scene,0,3957909.story

 Out of the darkness, comes a small flickering of light.

http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/local/chi-pit-bulls-sw-zonesep04,0,6075615.story

The pictures can be reached at the top by clicking on that smiling bully face. The background for several of the pictures is the same background that was used when we got Frances. I don't know if that means they're with Chicagoland Bully Breed Rescue, or if they're just taken by the same photographer. In any sense, it's always nice to see something positive happening in the Chicago area. :]

This is so disappointing. I had an entire entry typed out and then I hit the left arrow key and it went back several pages and deleted everything I wrote. :[[[[[

In that case, I'll summarize what I had before. Basically, I talked about how pleased I am that this quarter is over. I had a horrible professor this past quarter who was inexperienced and unnecessarily difficult, so it made things absolutely horrific. We spent most of the quarter oscillating between not reading the copious amounts of material she assigned and teaching ourselves what we could in order to survive. Sometimes I get so angry at DePaul for having such a disorganized program, but I think the funding is so nonexistent that we have to make do with what we have. It's still very frustrating because most of the professors I have are fantastic, and there are only a few I've had who were not so great. This past quarter was the first time I had a truly awful teacher. Thankfully, she will not be returning next quarter.

I also talked about how when I'm done with MA next year around this time, I'll take some time off to do the family thing with Joey (at least one year, possibly two), before I return for my PhD. I'd like to take some time to find an area of clinical interest that really inspires me. I'm hoping this comes with my internship (which I start in the fall and I. AM. SO. EXCITED. :D), but also with the job I choose to take while in between my degrees. I know it will be something in the child and adolescent area, but I'm not sure if it will be more clinical or counseling.

I've been spending a great deal of my free time doing casual wedding planning. I actually have the time to focus on it now, as my summer quarters aren't as intense as my regular term, so I hope to get a great deal of it done this summer. I have to anyway; venues and vendors fill up so quickly in the city. The entire process is really quite daunting, both emotionally and financially. I'd like to see about hiring a wedding planner, but I think that might be out of our budget at the moment. In any case, planning this wedding will really test my abilities as a small town girl living in the big city. I'm excited about the challenge.

Right now I'm focusing on colors and venue. I'd like to go with some nontraditional colors for a fall wedding. I'm not really into the usual colors most couples choose, as dark colors are not generally my thing (unless it's grey or black). I haven't seen anything that's really caught my eye yet, though I'm somewhat leaning toward a pale yellow and grey combination at the moment. Green is another option, as I really love the look of a pale green next to white, and I ADORE white and green flower combinations. We'll see how things go. For a venue, I'd like for it to have a rustic feel to it. I'm not into modern and sleek, but wherever it is, I'd like for there to be tons of candles and flowers. I am enamored with both, so this has definitely become a must. I have about a billion bookmarks under the "My Romance" tab of my bookmarks, so it might be prudent to go through them and organize them better. 

I'm sure there will be more on this later. I so often neglect my journal and it saddens me. At some point, I should really dedicate a short amount of time weekly to updating. I know I would appreciate it later in life if I did so. It would fit into my theme of organization lately. I've been attempting to get my life back on track -- I become so unhappy when it's derailed. I've been doing quite well, but I imagine there's always room for improvement in any sense.

Speaking of organization, I should really go so I can get ready to go to the movies with the boys. We're going to see The Hangover. Oh, Zach Galifianakis, you are the love of my life! :D I will report back with a review.

I have indeed had the incredible Christmas for which I hoped.

Joey proposed to me last night at midnight. I will tell the story soon when I have more time, but the actual process was perfect. We've been together for eight years this past August, so we've been waiting to do this for quite some time.

I'm still floating above the clouds at the moment. This is a high I don't want to ever go away. It still hasn't sunk in yet; I'm engaged; I have a fiance. And he is the love of my life. <3

Merry Christmas to all of you, My Darlings.

There's not a day that goes by that the thought of you doesn't clench my heart, Papa.

I went through your stuff yesterday and it still breaks my heart to do so, but I am also able to have occasional smiles at the memories. This is progress. I can't imagine not feeling sad for you, but I long for the days when I can laugh at the love your memory brings me rather than the heartache it instills.

I am determined to have an incredible Christmas this year. This was your favorite time of the year, and I will always carry that tradition with me. "Merry Christmas, Family," was one of the last things you said before you passed.

Keep the stars bright for us. Their shimmer brings me peace as I look to them when the ache in my heart becomes too much. I know you are dancing amid them and I look forward to the day when I can join you.

Love Always.

Well, Renee was definitely right. I most certainly did get my wish. As of now, I think there is about an inch of ice covering everything in my hometown. The power went out at 3:30 AM on Thursday night/Friday morning and has been off ever since. Because my mom lives outside of town, we don't have city water, so the water has been out, as well. We loaded up on provisions before the storm (amidst jokes about how the storm would probably miss us) -- water, food, and toilet paper. We figured we could survive cooking on the grill, so we got some hamburgers and hotdogs.

The lights went out just as the ice started to get bad, and we went to bed figuring it would be fixed the next day. We waited the entire next day for power..and waited...and waited. The house was pretty cold, but we fixed up an area in the living room by turning on the gas fireplace and hanging a tarp across the main beam between the living room and dining room and closing the slide door. We spent most of our time in there, reading by candelight. It's so lucky that my mom is obsessed with candles and oil lamps. I don't know what we would have done without them.

When we went to light the grill, it worked the first time for some hot dogs, and then the propane was quickly gone. All of our planning was for naught; the tank was almost empty.

We sit now in a hotel in a town an hour south of Renssy, which received none of the ice. The trees are undeniably beautiful with their drooping boughs, yet we have lost many branches and trees and the threat of the storm on the horizon looms menacingly. If we get the wind that is predicted, I fear we will lose many more.

Apparently, our area is under a state of emergency. They hope to get power to our house by tomorrow, but they say it could be two weeks before we get any. They've brought in workers from southern Indiana to work on the power lines. There are 1000 breaks in the lines between our house and the power company. Since they've gone down, they have had all of the police officers, firemen, city employees, and power workers working around the clock to restore power to our small town. Sarah says that she read an AP release that suggests there are 120,000 Indiana homes without power. I believe it. My mom said half of the people who came to the clinic today with their animals don't have power, either.

It baffles me that such beauty can bring such destruction. I am in awe every time I look out the window. I'm glad that we're in the town that we're in now, because I actually really like it here, and we can go Christmas shopping, but I hope that we're home for Christmas. We spent Christmas away last year and I hated it. This year, I want to be home. Even if the memories of Papa's death make me sad, they are there no matter what. I want to feel close to him during this time of the year.

At least I know we'll have a white Christmas. :]

It appears, My Lovelies, that we are in for an ice storm. This is fantastic news, as I have long demanded that we get the winter weather which we are deserved.

I must admit that I may have a penchant for winter, though it appears this affinity is not always extraordinarily popular. When I say that I have a fondness for the white, fluffy stuff, I'm not speaking of a dusting of powder (wait, I swear I'm still talking about snow -- the other stuff was an affinity many years ago). I want snow to fall so thickly upon the land that I fear stepping in it because I may never be found; the thick coats of ice glistening from the leaves, making the trees droop almost to the ground with heavy limbs; the lake behind my mom's house glimmering with ice crystals, catching the sun in its most glorious refractions; the power lines overburdened by sheets of shimmer, causing the lights to flicker and then finally dim. I want a fucking blizzard.

My favorite time comes when the power finally flickers out.

This forces us all into the living room, gathered around the fireplaces, thick blankets wrapped around us as we sit by the candlelight -- reading, knitting, and talking. Partaking in the forced conversation and company of a society that has long since forgotten the joy of such things. Nothing to entertain us, nothing to blast noise or colors into the the room. How long has it been since I've enjoyed my food by nothing but candlelight? Why, I think it was the last time the power went out.

Clearly, I was born in the wrong century.

I had the most incredible dream last night. I dreamt that Joey and I both dropped out of school, moved to Italy, and opened up our own bakery.

It was the most liberating, exciting thing that has passed through my mind as of late.

Okay, so maybe it's just the codeine, but I wonder if this means something more grand? :]

Of course it's been a long time since I've posted, again. I'm on break now, and healing from surgery (on my other knee), and I actually have some downtime. So, I figure it's about time that I actually introduce Harlow to the internet. I took these pictures awhile ago, but it has taken my mom this long to find the cord so that I could upload them to my Mac. Nothing in life quite compares to the fun of playing in the leaves in Grandma's backyard.

In that case, please welcome Harlow to the tubes. And, while you're at it, observe how Frances has grown. And Oliver is, as always, the most precious, vicious dog in existence.



 ( There are entirely too many pictures in here... )

I am so incredibly proud of this country. What an absolutely monumental, historical day this is and I'm so honored to have had a part in it. I only wish my father could be here to witness this along with me. He would be so proud of our country's ability to share a passion he held so dear to his heart.

Congratulations, President Barack Obama.

Yes, we did.

When I say the name "Harlow" or "My dog's name is Harlow," what do you think?  

What is the first thing that comes to mind?  Or the second?

Bonus points added for honesty.

Things have been going pretty well for me.  I finished out this quarter with A's in both of my classes and after much contemplation (and an attempt to quell my desire to run from everything), I've decided to finish out my degree at DePaul. I love my cohort and I really adore the atmosphere.  I can decide where to go with my PhD when the time comes.  For now, I like where I am and that's something I haven't been able to say in a long time.  I am at peace.

Summer is almost over and I'll be moving back to Chicago at the beginning of August.  I found out yesterday that I have to have knee surgery and while it is somewhat disconcerting, I've also dealt with enough in my life that I feel like I have prepared myself for health-related surprises.  Apparently, I have as my mom calls it "luxating patellas" which means that my kneecaps dislocate quite often and they ache constantly.  When I walk down steps it sounds like gravel grinding and when I lay down and you touch my knee, it moves...which is apparently not common, haha.  So, they're going to fix them and the recovery time is pretty short, which is nice.

I have to heal quickly because I'm excited about going back to Chicago.  :]  We're moving into the South Loop, near the red line and we can have Frances (which is not an easy feat as she is a Staffordshire Mix, read: Pit Bull).  And we're also going to take Oliver Grimm to see how he does.  Since we've been home for the summer Oliver and Frances have become so close and I really think it will help with her loneliness while Joey and I are away at class.  Our place is so cute, btw.  My favorite parts: the balcony with a view of the skyline and a gas fireplace.  :]  Fireplaces are pretty much my fave.  In the meantime I am spending lazy summer nights on country porches, watching fireflies.  Enjoying the time I have left in the peaceful solace of my home.

Joey and I have been working at our relationship.  For awhile, it had become almost like we were going through the actions.  This August we'll have been together for 8 years, and it really just takes some effort to keep things fresh.  We've always been intensely in love, but we're also both incredibly passionate people..with fiery tempers.  And sometimes we say things that hurt each other....those times have been more frequent lately, so we're trying to make sure that we keep those comments to a minimum.  We are extraordinarily close and I just feel like there are times in relationships where you just need to fall in love all over again.  I think that time for us is now.

It's been a pretty emotional summer for me which has not helped in my attitude sometimes with Joey.  It's the first time I've been back in my house for an extended period of time since my dad died.  Memories are constant; they beat against the tiny craft I have constructed to weather the storm of his passing.  I think about him constantly, and while I feel like these moments are of great sadness, I think that the emotions I am dealing with are positive.  I feel like I'm accepting his death, and my own mortality in the process.  It's been difficult dealing with his death and my own diagnosis of the same disease that took his life...within 6 months of each other.  Every single day is a new step and those I have around me make taking those steps worthwhile.  Yet, at the same time, I'm doing this for myself, too.  It's been an almost spring-like summer (in weather and in analogy) as I have started to rebuild the strength I felt I had lost so many years ago.  I am finding my confidence once again and my abilities are shining through the accumulated tarnish.

In a sense, while I take my lover's heart into mine again and fortify the relationship I have with Joey, I am also falling in love with myself all over again.

I am taking solace in that invisible summer of which Camus spoke so fondly of...so long ago.

This is me writing in el jay instead of doing my final paper for ethics.  I really don't want to deal with it and its ridiculous responsibility. 

So, I'll do what I do best and procrastinate.

My birthday this year involved what it usually does...moving.  I'm so sick of moving.  I vow to make more resolute and better founded choices in the major decisions in my life so that I don't have to deal with the negative consequences such poor choices inevitably carry.

I did get an Xbox 360 for my birthday from my boys.  This makes me very happy.  It also contributes to my procrastination nation, as I am now re-obsessed with Oblivion.  This is fundamental to my success during finals week.  Please note that my ethics professor is quite fond of me talking about my orc character in my 25 page final ethical dilemma, of this I am quite positive.

I am staying with Renee right now as I am not a current Chicago resident.  I have suggested that we go shopping, get pedis and go get our eyebrows done instead of me finishing my paper and her going to class, but I don't think she's quite convinced yet. 

I feel that this post is making me the Mayor of Apathyville, but that's kind of how I feel right now.  I love how I only write in my journal when I'm feeling like a teenager writing poetry on par with the chimerical lamentations of Nicky the Goth.

Who wants to go be completely irresponsible with me?

So...I went to have my mammogram.  I don't have cancer.  I don't even have any lumps in my boobs.  I need a new doctor.  But, srsly, yay for safe boobies.

In other news, looking for an apartment is like dying a slow death.

I'm pretty sure, at this point, that it might even be better than wading through the bullshit of Chicago realty. 

Today I went to the doctor to get refills on my birth control, which means the dreaded gynecological exam.  Yeah, I know it's TMI, but there's a point to this entry.

When she did my breast exam, she found 3 spots that concerned her.  She said her gut feeling is that it's just because I'm large chested, but it's still something that needs to be checked out.  She's going to schedule me for a mammogram.  She said she doesn't think it means anything, but I'm still terrified.

I'm 27.  I'm not sure how much more I can take.  These past three years have been the most terrible years of my life.  I feel like my body is failing me, and I just wish I could be "normal" for awhile.  I know I just have to reach back down into my well of strength to face this, but I just want to sleep.  Preferably forever, haha.

In some ways, it makes me understand the desperation I saw in my dad.  The absolute hopelessness; day in and day out.  He had been poked and prodded for years and he watched his body fall apart more and more every day.

I can't doom myself.  I have to find the positive in this and hope for the best.  I just hope the best I'm given is enough.

Okay, honestly, enough emo bullshit.  This sucks, lulz, but I'm tough shit. It amuses me that I run from stupid little things in life, but I face shit every day that would crumble others.

Maybe I should start drinking, again.  Who cares about my diabeetus at a time like this? 

I think my 11:11 wish will be for this to be the last crisis for awhile.

I just need a fucking break from life.

I'm in the mood to go to the movies. 

Has anyone seen anything good at the movies lately? 

I started classes last Monday; I really love them.  They provide the creativity for which I've been searching.  I know it's too early to declare my pleasure, but I'm just happy to have what I have right now.  I feel like I'm supposed to be in these classes.  There are still things that I'm nervous about, most certainly, but I feel content.  I have a habit of swinging the spectrum of emotions too quickly, as those closest to me know, so I'm just going to say that I'm content and leave it at that.

Puppy classes for Frances started last Thursday.  We didn't take her with us the first time because they like to talk to us before all the puppies get in there and bark it all up.  Joey and I like our trainer...she is definitely accredited and she seems like a hippie, which always makes me smile.  I've yet to meet a mean hippie.  Yeah, you may want to strangle them sometimes, but I've never actually had one attempt to strangle me.

Joey doesn't start classes until the 28th.  What kind of bullshit is that?  I'm jealous.  I'm also supposed to be writing a paper, but I'm typing on here instead.  Oh, one week into classes and I'm already procrastinating.  It's a curse, really.

And now, in an attempt to find more things to take my mind away from school work, I'm going to take Frances outside.