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Sep. 8th, 2009

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(no subject)

 I am probably the worst LiveJournaler ever. As a writer, I should be quite ashamed of how little I actually write.

Oh, well. 

If anything, I've realized that just because I'm good at something doesn't mean I should do it. I really feel like I am an extraordinary counselor, but the practice of counseling (particularly children who have been severely sexually abused) really takes so much out of me that I feel like it is consuming me. I feel like I have never really sat down and made a list of what I want from life. What I really, honestly, maturely want. Maybe I should do this.

I want to have time to spend with my present and future family. I want to be surrounded by books. I want peace and quiet -- I have so much going on in my "real life" outside of my career, that I want a source of solace. As much as it surprises me to say this, I want routine. I do not want to ever feel stifled, but I want to feel the comfort of knowing what I face. I want to be surrounded by intelligent individuals and I want to be a part of the practice of this intelligence. I want to teach at a collegiate level. I want to stop worrying about saving the world; the only one I really need to save is myself , and I have so much to do in order to be free. I want to know the joy in silence. I want an office with dark wood and a soft light, and bookshelves all around me. I want to not have a panic attack thinking about going to work. I want to be happy.

In all honesty, enduring an existential crisis every couple years is really draining me. And, I'm quite positive, everyone around me.


Where is my peace?

Sep. 4th, 2009

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I suppose I have never been an Eagle's fan, anyway.

 On a sidenote, we need more protestors! 

www.chicagotribune.com/sports/football/bears/sns-ap-fbn-eagles-vick-scene,0,3957909.story
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Survivors.

 Out of the darkness, comes a small flickering of light.

http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/local/chi-pit-bulls-sw-zonesep04,0,6075615.story

The pictures can be reached at the top by clicking on that smiling bully face. The background for several of the pictures is the same background that was used when we got Frances. I don't know if that means they're with Chicagoland Bully Breed Rescue, or if they're just taken by the same photographer. In any sense, it's always nice to see something positive happening in the Chicago area. :]

Jun. 14th, 2009

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(no subject)

Zach Galifianakis, you are the love of my life.

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(no subject)

This is so disappointing. I had an entire entry typed out and then I hit the left arrow key and it went back several pages and deleted everything I wrote. :[[[[[

In that case, I'll summarize what I had before. Basically, I talked about how pleased I am that this quarter is over. I had a horrible professor this past quarter who was inexperienced and unnecessarily difficult, so it made things absolutely horrific. We spent most of the quarter oscillating between not reading the copious amounts of material she assigned and teaching ourselves what we could in order to survive. Sometimes I get so angry at DePaul for having such a disorganized program, but I think the funding is so nonexistent that we have to make do with what we have. It's still very frustrating because most of the professors I have are fantastic, and there are only a few I've had who were not so great. This past quarter was the first time I had a truly awful teacher. Thankfully, she will not be returning next quarter.

I also talked about how when I'm done with MA next year around this time, I'll take some time off to do the family thing with Joey (at least one year, possibly two), before I return for my PhD. I'd like to take some time to find an area of clinical interest that really inspires me. I'm hoping this comes with my internship (which I start in the fall and I. AM. SO. EXCITED. :D), but also with the job I choose to take while in between my degrees. I know it will be something in the child and adolescent area, but I'm not sure if it will be more clinical or counseling.

I've been spending a great deal of my free time doing casual wedding planning. I actually have the time to focus on it now, as my summer quarters aren't as intense as my regular term, so I hope to get a great deal of it done this summer. I have to anyway; venues and vendors fill up so quickly in the city. The entire process is really quite daunting, both emotionally and financially. I'd like to see about hiring a wedding planner, but I think that might be out of our budget at the moment. In any case, planning this wedding will really test my abilities as a small town girl living in the big city. I'm excited about the challenge.

Right now I'm focusing on colors and venue. I'd like to go with some nontraditional colors for a fall wedding. I'm not really into the usual colors most couples choose, as dark colors are not generally my thing (unless it's grey or black). I haven't seen anything that's really caught my eye yet, though I'm somewhat leaning toward a pale yellow and grey combination at the moment. Green is another option, as I really love the look of a pale green next to white, and I ADORE white and green flower combinations. We'll see how things go. For a venue, I'd like for it to have a rustic feel to it. I'm not into modern and sleek, but wherever it is, I'd like for there to be tons of candles and flowers. I am enamored with both, so this has definitely become a must. I have about a billion bookmarks under the "My Romance" tab of my bookmarks, so it might be prudent to go through them and organize them better. 

I'm sure there will be more on this later. I so often neglect my journal and it saddens me. At some point, I should really dedicate a short amount of time weekly to updating. I know I would appreciate it later in life if I did so. It would fit into my theme of organization lately. I've been attempting to get my life back on track -- I become so unhappy when it's derailed. I've been doing quite well, but I imagine there's always room for improvement in any sense.

Speaking of organization, I should really go so I can get ready to go to the movies with the boys. We're going to see The Hangover. Oh, Zach Galifianakis, you are the love of my life! :D I will report back with a review.

Feb. 25th, 2009

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Test post

The love of my life

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

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Dec. 25th, 2008

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.:i carry it in my heart:.

I have indeed had the incredible Christmas for which I hoped.

Joey proposed to me last night at midnight. I will tell the story soon when I have more time, but the actual process was perfect. We've been together for eight years this past August, so we've been waiting to do this for quite some time.

I'm still floating above the clouds at the moment. This is a high I don't want to ever go away. It still hasn't sunk in yet; I'm engaged; I have a fiance. And he is the love of my life. <3

Merry Christmas to all of you, My Darlings.

Dec. 24th, 2008

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Memories.

There's not a day that goes by that the thought of you doesn't clench my heart, Papa.

I went through your stuff yesterday and it still breaks my heart to do so, but I am also able to have occasional smiles at the memories. This is progress. I can't imagine not feeling sad for you, but I long for the days when I can laugh at the love your memory brings me rather than the heartache it instills.

I am determined to have an incredible Christmas this year. This was your favorite time of the year, and I will always carry that tradition with me. "Merry Christmas, Family," was one of the last things you said before you passed.

Keep the stars bright for us. Their shimmer brings me peace as I look to them when the ache in my heart becomes too much. I know you are dancing amid them and I look forward to the day when I can join you.

Love Always.

Dec. 20th, 2008

The Path

The Storm.

Well, Renee was definitely right. I most certainly did get my wish. As of now, I think there is about an inch of ice covering everything in my hometown. The power went out at 3:30 AM on Thursday night/Friday morning and has been off ever since. Because my mom lives outside of town, we don't have city water, so the water has been out, as well. We loaded up on provisions before the storm (amidst jokes about how the storm would probably miss us) -- water, food, and toilet paper. We figured we could survive cooking on the grill, so we got some hamburgers and hotdogs.

The lights went out just as the ice started to get bad, and we went to bed figuring it would be fixed the next day. We waited the entire next day for power..and waited...and waited. The house was pretty cold, but we fixed up an area in the living room by turning on the gas fireplace and hanging a tarp across the main beam between the living room and dining room and closing the slide door. We spent most of our time in there, reading by candelight. It's so lucky that my mom is obsessed with candles and oil lamps. I don't know what we would have done without them.

When we went to light the grill, it worked the first time for some hot dogs, and then the propane was quickly gone. All of our planning was for naught; the tank was almost empty.

We sit now in a hotel in a town an hour south of Renssy, which received none of the ice. The trees are undeniably beautiful with their drooping boughs, yet we have lost many branches and trees and the threat of the storm on the horizon looms menacingly. If we get the wind that is predicted, I fear we will lose many more.

Apparently, our area is under a state of emergency. They hope to get power to our house by tomorrow, but they say it could be two weeks before we get any. They've brought in workers from southern Indiana to work on the power lines. There are 1000 breaks in the lines between our house and the power company. Since they've gone down, they have had all of the police officers, firemen, city employees, and power workers working around the clock to restore power to our small town. Sarah says that she read an AP release that suggests there are 120,000 Indiana homes without power. I believe it. My mom said half of the people who came to the clinic today with their animals don't have power, either.

It baffles me that such beauty can bring such destruction. I am in awe every time I look out the window. I'm glad that we're in the town that we're in now, because I actually really like it here, and we can go Christmas shopping, but I hope that we're home for Christmas. We spent Christmas away last year and I hated it. This year, I want to be home. Even if the memories of Papa's death make me sad, they are there no matter what. I want to feel close to him during this time of the year.

At least I know we'll have a white Christmas. :]

Dec. 19th, 2008

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The Memoirs of a Doyenne.

It appears, My Lovelies, that we are in for an ice storm. This is fantastic news, as I have long demanded that we get the winter weather which we are deserved.

I must admit that I may have a penchant for winter, though it appears this affinity is not always extraordinarily popular. When I say that I have a fondness for the white, fluffy stuff, I'm not speaking of a dusting of powder (wait, I swear I'm still talking about snow -- the other stuff was an affinity many years ago). I want snow to fall so thickly upon the land that I fear stepping in it because I may never be found; the thick coats of ice glistening from the leaves, making the trees droop almost to the ground with heavy limbs; the lake behind my mom's house glimmering with ice crystals, catching the sun in its most glorious refractions; the power lines overburdened by sheets of shimmer, causing the lights to flicker and then finally dim. I want a fucking blizzard.

My favorite time comes when the power finally flickers out.

This forces us all into the living room, gathered around the fireplaces, thick blankets wrapped around us as we sit by the candlelight -- reading, knitting, and talking. Partaking in the forced conversation and company of a society that has long since forgotten the joy of such things. Nothing to entertain us, nothing to blast noise or colors into the the room. How long has it been since I've enjoyed my food by nothing but candlelight? Why, I think it was the last time the power went out.

Clearly, I was born in the wrong century.

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